Taylor Fischer

One year ago, James and I had our hearts broken. It was the worst day of our lives.

Our baby, Taylor, was lost. We thought we had lost our first pregnancy.
We did not know that we would end up with three little miracles at the time.

We have chosen the name Taylor since we do not know if our baby was a boy or a girl.

We know that all things happen for a reason. My belief is that God knew that three little ones at a time was enough for us. We couldn't handle more. But He knew we could handle knowing that one of our little ones was with Him in Heaven.

I know that losing a baby so early does not compare to losing a child later in a pregnancy, or after they were born. But, Taylor will always be in my heart, and always be a part of me. It still hurts to think that my boys will not have their sibling - "Baby D" (as the doctors coined Taylor during the pregnancy). We know that we will get to meet Taylor eventually.

It's been a while... hasn't it?

So! I haven't written in a while. Why? Well, I am not sure how to put all of this down in words. So, I guess I will just start from the beginning.

Feb. 8, after we returned from our adventure to Bishop's Castle, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive!! We were elated and started calling everyone. I got an official pregnancy test at my doctors office and I indeed was pregnant.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day. James and I spent the day hanging out. He got me a new recliner for V-day. We had a romantic spaghetti dinner at home and watched a movie. It was wonderful. Then, I started to get cramps. Bad cramps. We called the nurse line for my clinic and they said if the cramps don't go away in 20 minutes to call them back. Well, they went away, then came back. They kept getting stronger and stronger, but I just figured it was really bad indigestion.

I tried to sleep that night, but was up in the bathroom the majority of the night. It was painful to move too. If I just stayed in one place I felt ok. By 8:00 in the morning on Feb. 15 I was in so much pain that I had James call the nurse line again. This time they told us to get to the clinic as soon as possible for an ultrasound.

We got there, waited for about 5 minutes, which were the longest and most painful 5 minutes of my life. We were called in and the ultrasound commenced. They spotted what they called a "mass" in my left fallopian tube, and some "free fluid." They wanted me to go get my blood drawn and they called the doctor on call to come in. It took them 3 pokes to get my blood to flow. I must have been extremely dehydrated.

They took me back in to do another ultrasound, this time with the doctor there watching and letting us know what was wrong. He wasn't sure, but he said the "free fluid" was blood that was pooling in my abdomen and the mass was a possible ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. Our elation about being pregnant crashed and turned to fear and disappointment.

They wouldn't let me go home, they had to operate! They took me up to the surgery center and poked me more. 16 times to be exact. They couldn't find a vein for the IV. They almost resorted to putting one in my foot but they found one finally! I was in so much pain it was all I could do to feel all the pokes.

I was given some meds that made me loopy and they wheeled me into the operating room. They did a laproscopy surgery on my. I have 3 tiny incisions on my belly now. I don't remember anything until I came to back outside the operating room.

James was there and I asked him what happened and he told me it was an ectopic pregnancy and they had to take it and the bleeding was stopped. MY HEART BROKE! We had lost a baby.

It took me about an hour to recover enough from the surgery to be able to get up and get dressed. They sent me home and I went straight to our couch where I stayed for the next week. My mom was kind enough to come down and take care of me while James was at work. They doctor told me to stay off of my feet at least until Wednesday of that week, but I was still pretty sore and nauseous from the antibiotic and pain meds that they prescribed to me that I didn't go to work at all that week. Mom left Thursday and I spent Friday on my own. Thank you Mom for all the help and everything you did!!!

We do have good news though. I am still pregnant. It has been confirmed. More information to come on that after we have another doctor appointment. But for now, you can just know that one of our babies is in heaven and we are hoping for the best and praying for God's guidance and blessing with this pregnancy!

Inspirational quote

As I have been working today, I realized I really really like this quote. It is from one of the pastors in the ABCRM Region, Rev. DeWayne Moore, of Macedonia Baptist Church. He wrote a devotional for the Region last week and this is the quote I pulled out of the devotional. Think about it...

"In the midst of their deepest depression, people of faith have found that
their one consolation is this: that God is in charge, and regardless of what
afflicts us in this life, our ultimate destiny is in God’s hands."

"I Would Die For That"

Check out this video: I Would Die For That



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Honest to God

"We avoid Lent and Holy Week because it isn’t a happy and uplifting time—but to be honest, neither is most of life. Sometimes we come to church all scrubbed up, dressed nicely, with smiles on our faces, and when people ask how we are, we reply that everything is fine and we even boast how wonderful things are—but it is all a lie. Life is not always uplifting, or wonderful, or pleasant, or joyous—but we have been taught the lie that for spiritual people like us, it must be so. So we become play actors, hypocrites—telling ourselves that by lying, we are having faith, and that if we lie enough, the bad things will fade away, like a dream upon awakening." -Rev. Ken Collins

Read the rest of this essay at http://www.kencollins.com/hope-23.htm. It is very interesting!

A must read!

Any Christian should go and read this blog. Make sure you have a tissue in your hand.
http://www.challies.com/archives/articles/dr-criswell-longtime-pastor-of.php.

Un-published poetry

Dec. 12, 2001 my family's lives turned around. My brother, Tim, died suddenly in his sleep. As is my tradition when someone passes, to deal with the grief, I write poetry. I was going through my old poetry books that I had written in and found a couple of poems that I have not put out there for anyone to read. I feel now is the time that I can do that. Here are a few.

"Untitled"

"Brother, oh brother, my brother dear!"

That is what I would say

if only you were standing here,

yesterday and today.

But your time is here

God has asked for you back,

you know I will shed a tear.

But the love I will not lack.

For though I never said it enough,

and time and again I wanted to

-you were always so rough and tough-

it scared me to say, I love you.

"Untitled 2"

Each little piece carefully placed

in its spot, with perfect grace

finally the work is done

a ship whose battle it had won

just like the life of my dear brother

piece by piece, just like the other

the construction of this life gone by

had its straights, lows, and highs

starting with a thought conceived in the mind

but eventually leaving it all behind

pieces were broken, fixed, and glued

its importance as the pieces new

so, too, my brothers days

each step never mixing his ways

applying the last paint coat on

so did he fall asleep at the dawn

like the maker placing it in a safe place

God did the same with his life, with grace

the creation was finished and finally done

just like my brother, he's finally won!

"Tim"

(this one was published in the program for his funeral)

You are with Grandma now

and little Jacob too,

Jesus and all the others
are in God's house with you.

You, my brother,

regarded with much love,

are standing with God

watching us from above.

Please watch over us

each and every day

and be our guiding angel,

keep us from harms way.

One last thing

before you go

I will always love you,

I just wanted you to know.